What the Christians keep telling me...

Christians keep telling me that Jesus died for me.  I respond that I never knew the guy.  We didn't hang out, go to the movies, or become MySpace buddies.  We weren't even in similar social groups.  He is purported to be some sort of old school hippie.  I'm more of a clumsy nerd.  So, why would I ask a complete stranger to die for me?  That's sort of sadistic and cruel, I think.

Christians keep telling me that Jesus knew me before I was born.  That seems a little dubious to me.  I don't remember anything before I was born.  Hell, I don't even remember the first few years of my life!  All I can go on are the experiences that the people who were around when I was born to tell me what I was like.  Even then I can't be completely sure that they are telling the truth.  I like to personally think they were all lying when they said I shit my pants all the way up until I went through this phase they called "potty training".  So, I don't understand how people today can have a personal relationship with Jesus if they've never met the guy.  I know a lot about Frodo because I read a book about him, but I don't know the guy, nor do I ask for things in his name.  That's a little selfish if you ask me.

Christians keep celebrating Jesus's "birthday" every year, but he has never shown up to the party (at least not personally).  So, they cope by giving each other the gifts (laying under an evergreen tree of some sort) that were meant for Jesus (I think).  Sometimes you see someone dressed up like Jesus at church but only around his birthday and at this holiday called Easter where there's a bunny and eggs and hand-woven baskets.  I remember that part of the bible so clearly...

John 3:35
Let there be colored eggs, rabbits, and baskets to celebrate the death and resurrection of our Savior.  There will be blood and torture and suffering.  And marshmallow Peeps.  Amen.